Let’s Talk About Essential Floortime Dynamics

PHOTO CREDIT: RDNE Stock project

10-YEAR ANNIVERSARY EPISODE

On this Episode…

This episode, number 290, the first episode of Season 11, features Sophia Ashman, a DIR® practitioner in Los Angeles, California who currently works in preschools and provides in-home therapy. She has been a Floortimer for 25 years and was one of my son’s first therapists at his school which is how we met. We quickly became friends and I miss her tremendously and want her to move back to Canada! The philosophy that she strongly believes in is that the children she works with need to be seen, be heard, and feel understood.

You can also subscribe on your preferred podcast app by searching, “We chose play from Affect Autism”

Who is Sophia Ashman?

Sophia Ashman is a fabulous Floortimer and I am so happy she finally agreed to be on the podcast after being invited for years! I felt instantly safe with Sophia. She always made me feel seen and understood, and understood my son instantly. She saw him. She felt him. She began her early career in Toronto at university where she took a job supporting a child. It was a short-term contract and saying good-bye was heartbreaking, so she vowed to not work with children. 25 plus years later, she is still saying that it is her “last year” in this field!

Sophia was working with two little toddlers about a year apart who were sisters and the youngest one could sit at a table and read, but she didn’t want anything to do with you if you tried to interact with her. Her sibling would walk across the room and pretend to fall, being silly, and was so social and bubbly, but wanted nothing to do with sitting at the table. Sophia had the book that she was trained in with the programs to follow in sequence. She wondered why she had one manual for two kids that were so different! She sought a program that could be individualized. 

She was looking for a place to move that had sunshine, but Florida was all Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA), so she looked in California. She called a center there and the woman she spoke with connected her to David Sponder of Sponderworks. Sophia spoke with him and his wife and they hired her on the spot based on her passion and what she wanted, which is a testament to who she is, as I alluded to earlier! They invited her down and she began working with them. 

The Path to Floortime

Sophia explains that she was basically doing a play-based, “naturalized ABA,” but she thought that since she wasn’t sitting at the table doing drills, that she was doing DIR®. So she kept taking courses to find what she was seeking. She took a course with Dr. Diane Cullinane and then began working at Holding Hands and took their training. She still didn’t feel like she totally “got” Floortime, but the 2nd time she took their training, a light bulb went off.

She realized that you can’t really do Floortime if you don’t understand the “D” which is the functional emotional developmental capacities (FEDCs). If you aren’t able to look at a child you’re working with and determine which capacity they are currently demonstrating, then you don’t know where to go from there, she insists. She was seeing that a lot of therapists were only working on engagement, which is wonderful, but the learning happens in the developmental lens that you push, like the zone of proximal development, and you need to know where they are to practice the model effectively.

I shared that what I learned from Sophia before I took my DIR® Certificate Courses at ICDL and before I met Occupational Therapist Maude Le Roux, Sophia really introduced me to the concept of the “I” in DIR®: “individual differences.” Sophia comments that she never knows the seeds she’s planting.

Being Curious

Sophia always had this level of curiosity about what is in the way for a child, seeing their potential, trajectory, and beauty, and wondering what she could do, how she could help, and how she could support this child. This has always been important to her, which is why she loves DIR®. It’s not just looking at the observable behaviour. It’s about looking at what a child needs and how she can support them.

With anything you learn and do, Sophia says that you have tools. There are things she finds helpful from her ABA background. While she doesn’t ascribe to the philosophy, she finds some strategies helpful. I asked which ones. She said the concept of having momentum, and where you position your body if a child elopes. But she doesn’t believe you can break a child down to behaviours. She also took drama therapy which supports with her play, symbolic representations, and the dramatic aspects of creating and expanding on play, and the modalities and creative medium they use including using puppets, writing and music. I clarified that she’s using all of these tools in a DIR® philosophy. She emphasized, yes, all day long.

Sophia is always looking at where a child is developmentally and explaining this to others. Just because they’re five years old, they don’t need to be checking off a list of what typical 5-year-olds do. We have to adjust ourselves to be able to attune with a child. The reason I felt safe with Sophia when we met is because she’s so naturally “Floortime” that I felt seen and understood within a few minutes of interacting with her and from seeing her work with other children at my son’s school. Dr. Gil Tippy, who was a consultant to the school at the time, would agree. She truly saw the kids she was working with. She wasn’t trying to change them. I saw her scaffold and support the kids she worked with.

The Parent Experience

We discussed how it can be hard for parents to see where their child is developmentally and be curious sometimes because their understanding is, “I need my child to be able to do this this this and that,” but a lot of autistic kids don’t do this this this and that on a neurotypical timeline. It’s hard for many parents to make that adjustment. Hopefully that’s changing.

Sophia wanted to share an experience she had with an adult friend after she read the chapter about adults in my book. Whenever she works with children, she has no trouble with DIR®. Wherever they need her to be, she’s there. When it comes to adults in her life, though, she wonders why she isn’t using DIR® because it’s such a great lens to see other human beings through and to carry relationships forward, or even to just be present in a relationship.

In thinking about the parent experience, Sophia thought about a friend of hers and how challenging it is for her when he shares information. He makes a point and if you try to add to that point, he goes back and asserts his point. It’s a challenge because she wants to have reciprocity in their interactions. They were together at a Blue Jays/Dodgers baseball game and as he was speaking, she was trying to use DIR® in order to stay in the connection with him because he’s a wonderful person. But she couldn’t get to where she could have her own ideas and have reciprocity. It made her think about parents and how hard it can be for them. 

Sophia talked about how amazing it is when you follow a child’s lead and are interested in what they are interested in and how they light up. Sophia is not as interested in the things her friend is interested in, and she’s not able to share what she’s interested in, so she was thinking about how this is the dynamic for so many parents. When this is your child, how must that disconnect feel, she wondered. 

She reflected why she can connect with a child who has interests that may not be her own, and she thinks it might be because she’s not carrying that personal grief that parents feel–all of those emotions from the beginning years until now. She is with the child only in the present and she has the hindsight of seeing the potential and the trajectory. She’s worked with a lot of kids and knows that if you do this one thing what can happen in the future. She’s hopeful already, whereas the parent is still grieving and want to connect with their child.

Feeling Connected

Sophia also talked about the “goodness of fit” as well. If you are very lively and you have a child with a profile that gets easily overstimulated, there is a mismatch. Or the opposite: If you’re quiet and not very animated and the child needs animated, again, a disconnect. What must that feel like for a parent to not have that?

This is the big shift that I believe takes different parents different amounts of time where you’re in that place of wanting to connect and blame the child’s “condition.” But when you realize that you can impact that through Floortime–joining, seeing the child’s emotional intent, their presence, and what they love–they then feel all of the things Sophia described in the above quote. Children especially need to feel that because they’re so vulnerable, I stated. Parents want to feel that but they don’t need to. A child needs to feel that, I emphasized.

I continued that when you hold on to those moments of joy and connection, that’s what keeps you going: just that love for your child and seeing their excitement. You do need to challenge and expand, stretching their rubber band and applying the “just-right” challenge. It’s hard for parents to do that when their child is suffering everyday from their sensory experiences and being misunderstood at school every day!

Sophia adds that there’s so many things parents are thinking about–survival: food, shelter, clothing, education–there’s so many decisions you’re thinking about everyday and you’re in this interaction with your child trying to be present, and you yourself may have some unhealed emotions and feelings of not having your needs met, which is all colliding, which is why it’s good to have someone come in and support these dynamics. It’s co-regulating. It’s rupture and repair that builds resiliency. As you’re working on things that are more challenging, you’re using the relationship to do this and being supportive and comforting. You’re the glue that holds it together, Sophia explains, that will help your child to move forward in their life.

In my book, I describe that Floortime is such a vehicle for personal growth because you’re looking at yourself as well. Your own regulation is tested, along with your own engagement and your own ability to be reciprocal, and your own ability to share problem-solving together, being able to stay in an interaction even when you have negative emotions, and you’re overcome with everything. It’s a way to grow together. It’s been one of the most rewarding things–understanding my own FEDCs. 

Mutuality

Sophia wanted to look at a person’s needs, thinking about spending that day with her friend who was opening circles, but there was no closing and any attempts at opening circles of her own were shut down. She was thinking about what she was feeling and thinking about how many parents must experience that feeling with their children. Sophia described seven needs in the Language of Compassion model from the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC):

1. Connection It didn’t feel like a mutual give and take in Sophia’s dynamic with her friend.
2. Physical Well-Being is about safety and security. She was fine. She felt safe. That didn’t affect her.
3. Honesty is about authenticity, integrity and presence. Sophia had to be completely present the whole time just trying to hold the space and be the container for her friend’s needs. Imagine that as a parent, when you have so many other things you need to do to parent. She comes in as the DIR® professional. This is her one job: to be there for your child. But if she had to think about all the other things she had to do, how would she do that within those parameters? I shared that it’s emotionally exhausting. She said that you have to then think about what you need to pour back into your well.
4. Play There was not much joy for Sophia because the connection was so disconnected since her needs were not considered.
5. Peace is about ease and equality, but in her interaction with her friend, there was none.
6. Autonomy is something Sophia craves for our children. It includes freedom of choice. She had a choice. She chose to be in her friend’s company.
7. Meaning There was no contribution and she did not feel stimulated.Out of the 7 needs, 5 of Sophia’s needs were not met within that interaction.

What Lights Them Up?

What Sophia noticed with her friend was that there were two things that “lit him up.” There were two other people with them. They both went to the same university as her friend. They had that connection. It was a shared experience. He lit up when he heard that. Sophia did not have that. The other thing was in terms of his values and “currency.” One of the others held a very high position within the university and that lit her friend up. It’s important to know the currency of the person you are interacting with, Sophia stresses. What do they value? What are their interests? What lights them up?

I have had lightbulb moments doing my podcast over the years when I’d hear different DIR-Experts say the same thing in different ways, and I hope that parents have that experience with what Sophia described, which is another way of describing following the child’s lead. Think about what lights your child up. I do say in the course I teach at ICDL called BE S.U.R.E.: Supporting, Understanding, and Respecting the Expectations of Parents that usually when practitioners interact with a new child, they need to figure out when parents and children are lit up together. If you can find something that you and your child both like and can enjoy together, that is special.

Various professionals I interacted with would always give me kudos for bringing my son to so many model train places when he loved trains so much and I would think, “But I enjoy doing it!” Maybe he would have been satisfied just having a model train at home, but I enjoyed going to all the model train events, so it wasn’t really all about him entirely.

Sophia always encourages her therapists to bring their interests into their Floortime sessions because you need to have fun, too, whether it’s art or music or something else. She doesn’t believe we should leave ourselves out of the interaction. I gave the example of my son loving Dog Man, but there are an infinite number of activities and interactions you can have around the Dog Man theme whether it’s drawing characters, singing the songs in the movie, dressing up as the characters, etc. Sophia says that it’s about the synergy of the session. She says if you’re having fun with a child, you’re likely both engaged.

Self-Reflection

Sophia gave a funny example of missing a connection with another friend of hers and upon reflecting, she was able to go back the next day and be more present. What I love about Floortimers, I responded, is that we are open to that. A lot of people are very defensive and don’t want to admit they could have done something different. Reflective practice could lead to over rumination, especially if you’re autistic, but it is important to reflect and think about repair after a rupture. We can be more intentional in our next interaction.

Of course, the child isn’t responsible for the parent’s happiness or to validate the parent, Sophia adds, but it is important for a parent to figure out what they need and to self-reflect, giving yourself the co-regulation you need. I added, being able to understand where you’re going out of your way at your own expense. Sophia said that our own interoceptive systems can be off if we’re overriding our own needs when we’re stretched. As children we may have also been over riding our own systems, seeking validation from the caregivers in our life.

Sophia has so much empathy for parents and will advocate for children until they can advocate for themselves. We talked about Sophia having had an impact on children she has worked with over the years and how many seeds have been planted. I expressed my gratitude for professionals like Sophia who do what they do and for their patience. She says that the number one thing people always say to her is that, but the patience is what she needs for the adults, not the kids. For the kids, it’s about understanding them. It’s like with any relationship, Sophia says. Once you understand the individual differences and figure out their profile, it’s easy from there! You don’t need patience when you have an understanding, she emphasizes.

Moving Towards our Children Having Agency and Autonomy

Sophia heard that if you are unable to feel, such as our children who have interrupted interoceptive systems, then it’s hard to have agency. If you don’t have agency, then you don’t have power. There’s no power without agency. Sophia sees so many children without agency and it breaks her heart. She tries so hard to advocate, and it’s hard because of the systems in place. When they’re told how to sit, to have quiet hands, not to make that sound, to sit in a van even though you have to use the bathroom and you can’t control your bladder, it’s so hard, and this is their daily life, every single day. They’re being told that how they feel doesn’t matter.

Concluding Thoughts

• Sophia shared a slide posted by ICDL on Instagram of a quote by Ashleigh Warner. The significance of this share for Sophia is that it represents her journey from ABA to Floortime. Kids weren’t just scripts on a piece of paper.
• Another post by @autismsupermoms was about perception and being reminded to see our children as tiny humans with their own thoughts and feelings, and that they have a human heart.
• The final post Sophia wanted to share is from Dr. Mona Delahooke. Enough said, Sophia concludes.Follow Sophia on Instagram @shiineurlight

I am so grateful to have had Sophia join me for the 10th anniversary episode! I hope you enjoyed her nuggets of wisdom. If you found this episode helpful and informative, please consider sharing it on social media!

Until next time, here’s to choosing play and experiencing joy every day!