PHOTO CREDIT: SASHA KIM
On Episode 312…
In this episode, Turkish DIR® Expert Training Leader, speech-language pathologist, and physiotherapist Kemal Colay shares his theoretical framework integrating valence and arousal within a DIR®-informed approach to support connection in his work with children, and how he uses video review as a reflective tool to support parents in recognizing and responding to their child’s unique cues in order to facilitate developmental growth.
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This Episode’s Guest
Kemal Colay is a speech-language therapist in private practice since 2007, primarily working with children with developmental disabilities and their families in Turkey, including children with stuttering, speech sound issues, and language delays. Kemal received his first degree in physiotherapy in 2003 and then earned his Masters Degree in Speech-Language Pathology in 2006. He became a DIRFloortime® Expert Training Leader in 2019. His presentation at the virtual 2025 International DIRFloortime® Conference in October was so powerful that I invited him to discuss some of what he presented about how he uses video feedback with parents to promote their interactions with their children.
Why Video Reflection Matters
- Parents often naturally love and play with their children, but may not see subtle interaction patterns in the moment
- Watching short video clips allows parents to notice missed cues, timing and pacing, and their child’s intentions and signals
- Kemal uses frame-by-frame video analysis with supportive commentary to guide reflection
- The process is non-judgmental and focused on growth rather than on blaming or shaming
- Even one session can significantly shift how parents understand and interact with their child
Understanding the Nervous System
- Development and interaction are grounded in the nervous system
- Children move through different states, including social engagement, excitement or high arousal, frustration or distress, fight/flight, and shutdown or freeze
- Perceived safety rather than “actual” safety is key for engagement and learning
- When children do not feel safe, they cannot connect or process effectively
Arousal, Emotions, and Regulation
- Emotional states can be understood through arousal (i.e., low to high energy) and valence (i.e., pleasant to unpleasant feelings)
- High arousal is not always negative (e.g., excitement, joy)
- Low arousal is not always negative (e.g., calm, contentment)
- Regulation includes a range of emotional states and is not just about being “calm.”
The Window of Tolerance
- The “window of tolerance” is the range where a child can stay regulated enough to engage and learn
- In early development, this window is small and easily disrupted
- Through attuned relationships, this window expands over time
- As it grows, children can tolerate mild frustration, stay connected during challenges, and engage across a wider range of emotions
- This growth happens through relationship rather than via pressure or demands
Development Happens in Relationship
- Children grow when they feel seen, understood, supported, and emotionally safe
- Co-regulation (i.e., being supported by an attuned adult) is essential for development
- Adults help children expand their capacity by staying connected across emotional states
Following the Child’s Lead
- A core DIRFloortime® principle is following the child’s intentions
- Rather than directing the interaction, adults can observe what the child is focused on, join their interest, and build shared engagement from there
- Entry points for connection may include rhythm and music, movement, shared attention, and simple sensory experiences
What Attunement Looks Like in Practice
- Kemal begins observing from the very first moment he’s with a client, even in the waiting room
- He pays attention to the child’s body language, facial expression, and level of comfort or fear
- He adjusts his approach by slowing down, lowering his intensity, giving space when needed, and avoiding unnecessary demands
- He often allows the parent to lead initially while he observes and supports
The Role of Rhythm and Shared Experience
- Communication always happens within a shared context
- For young children, this may be sensory, motor, or relational (not yet symbolic)
- Rhythm, melody, and repetition can support regulation, create shared attention, and open the door to interaction
Regulation Doesn’t Always Mean High Energy
- Connection does not always require high-energy play
- Meaningful interaction can include quiet companionship, sitting together, walking together and simply sharing space
- Respecting lower-energy states is part of true attunement
Meeting the Child Where They Are
- Adults should not rush children into a more “positive” or active state if a child is sad, fearful, or overwhelmed
- The first step is to acknowledge and join that state
- This mirrors how we respond to other adults that is with empathy and presence
The Parent’s Role and Self-Awareness
- Parents’ own regulation has a direct impact on their child
- Many parents experience stress, worry, or overwhelm, especially after diagnosis
- Video reflection supports parents to build self-awareness, understand their own impact on interactions, and become more confident and responsive
- Supporting the parent is a key part of supporting the child
Individual Differences Matter
- Each child has a unique sensory and regulatory profile
- Similar behaviors may have very different underlying causes
- Careful observation and curiosity are essential
- Collaboration with professionals (e.g., occupational therapists) can help clarify these differences
Empowering the Child Through Play
- In everyday life, children rely heavily on adults because they are not yet independent with so many things (e.g., preparing their own food, toileting, etc.)
- Play gives children a sense of control, agency, and effectiveness
- When adults follow the child’s lead, children feel understood and motivated to engage
The Role of the Therapist
- Therapy is not about applying rigid techniques but rather about building relationships and supporting families
- Parents do not need to copy the therapist exactly but can instead understand the principles of Floortime and apply them in their own authentic way
- Development happens within the family and the therapist role is to guide and support
This episode’s PRACTICE TIP:
Let’s reflect on the circumplex above with our child in real time.
For example: When we’re trying to connect with our child, let’s examine which quadrant they are in. Is their valence positive or negative? Is their arousal positive or negative? Let’s meet them where they are at emotionally and proceed from there.
Thank you to Kemal for his detailed description of theoretical models that support our awareness of our attunement to the child, as well as his approach to coaching families. If you found this episode helpful and informative, please consider sharing it on social media!
Until next time, here’s to choosing play and experiencing joy every day!
