PHOTO CREDIT: Akil Mazumder
On Episode 315…
In this episode, psychologist and Neufeld Institute senior faculty member Eva de Gosztonyi shares reflections from over 50 years working in schools across Canada and explains how Gordon Neufeld’s attachment-based developmental paradigm transformed her understanding of children, behaviour, emotional regulation, and learning. Eva discusses how traditional behavioural approaches often failed the children who struggled most and describes her efforts to implement relationship-based, developmental practices within Quebec’s English-speaking school systems.
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This Episode’s Guest
Psychologist Eva de Gosztonyi has worked in schools across Canada for over 50 years. She is passionate about helping school personnel to understand what children need to thrive, especially those who struggle with behavioural challenges. Since 2002 she has used Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s attachment-based developmental paradigm to guide her interventions in English-speaking schools in the province of Quebec. She is a founding member and senior faculty with the Neufeld Institute and since retiring has continued to provide workshops to help educators, parents and professionals to understand and implement Dr. Neufeld’s incredible approach. She is the mother of two adult children and honorary grandmother to two beautiful teen girls. She lives with her daughter and 14 month old grandson through whom she gets to re-experience the magic of development.
Rethinking Behavior in Schools
Eva reflects on the challenge of shifting educational culture away from reward charts, punishment systems, and compliance-based models toward approaches rooted in emotional safety and understanding. She describes creating nurturing support centers in schools where overwhelmed children could temporarily leave the classroom, receive support, regulate emotionally, and then return to learning. The conversation explores how stress, sensory overwhelm, trauma, neurodivergence, and emotional immaturity can contribute to dysregulation, while also acknowledging the immense pressure teachers and schools face within academic systems focused on performance and behaviour management.
When you are stressed, it’s very hard to have another way of thinking.
Emotional Regulation and After-School Meltdowns
A major focus of the episode centers on what happens after school, when many children finally release the emotions they have been holding in throughout the day. Eva explains how tears, meltdowns, frustration, whining, and oppositional behavior are often signs that a child feels safe enough to let down their defenses. Rather than immediately asking, “Why?” or trying to fix the problem, she emphasizes the importance of simply being present, staying calm, and allowing emotions to move naturally toward adaptation and resilience.
The Importance of Feeling Understood
Eva highlights how essential it is for children to feel heard, understood, and emotionally safe in relationships. She explains that children often do not need explanations or solutions in moments of distress as much as they need an adult who can stay with them emotionally without judgment or correction. Frustration can mask more vulnerable emotions underneath and how many children, particularly neurodivergent children, spend much of their day masking stress and overwhelm before releasing it at home with their attachment figures.
Resources from Eva
- Links to the Centre of Excellence for Behaviour Management (CEBM) and the CEBM Resources Center: Framework for Student Support which have a number of resources.
- Link to Eva’s free PDF resource
Sensory Overwhelm, Neurodivergence, and Play
We also talked about sensory processing challenges, emotional overload, and how neurodivergent children may struggle in environments that are not designed for their nervous systems. Eva discusses the importance of movement, play, imaginative themes, and emotional expression as natural ways children process difficult experiences. Repetitive play themes, symbolic play, physical movement, and sensory release are meaningful developmental processes rather than behaviors to stop or redirect.
Attachment as a Protective Shield
I asked Eva to elaborate on Dr. Neufeld’s teaching that strong attachment relationships at home can act as a protective shield for children navigating stressful environments. Eva emphasizes the importance of delighting in children, offering unconditional acceptance, and creating relationships where children feel invited to exist exactly as they are. She critiques systems that rely heavily on praise, behavior charts, or daily conduct ratings, explaining how these approaches can undermine attachment and increase shame rather than support emotional growth.
Limits, Repair, and Maturation
Eva reflected on maturation, guidance, and the balance between connection and leadership. She explains that developmental approaches are not permissive and still require adults to set limits and take charge when needed, but always within the context of preserving the relationship. She emphasizes that growth happens over time through trust, emotional safety, and repeated experiences of repair, where both children and adults are allowed to make mistakes without losing connection.
This episode’s PRACTICE TIP:
Let’s reflect on inviting our child’s presence in our everyday interactions, especially if they are upset.
For example: Let’s make sure our child feels loved and appreciated, even when frustrated. Let’s practice making space for their frustration to come out, while showing them we accept them unconditionally.
I want to thank Eva for taking the time to share her experience and wisdom with us. If you found this episode helpful and informative, please consider sharing it on social media!
Until next time, here’s to choosing play and experiencing joy every day!
