PHOTO CREDIT: ICDL, Inc.
On this Episode…
This edition of Parent Perspectives features a full-time mother, passionate advocate, and deep thinker, navigating life through the lens of a late ADHD diagnosis with her neurodivergent family. We discuss her family’s experience at their Floortime intensive at ICDL’s DIR® Institute.
You can also subscribe on your preferred podcast app by searching, “We chose play from Affect Autism”
Finding Floortime
Oana’s youngest child was diagnosed autistic at age 3 and a half and they started with the recommended behavioural therapy, which they fundamentally disagreed with. They looked into developmental approaches and found Floortime, but at the time the staff turnover was very high and it didn’t work out.
Fast forward until last year, Oana attended a rural Minnesota conference where three DIR® practitioners presented and one gave Oana a note with a few websites to check out. One was Affect Autism. She stumbled upon that note awhile later when her son’s transition to middle school was profoundly traumatic for him and the entire family.
She looked at affectautism.com, listened to the podcasts, and signed up for the ICDL fall DIRFloortime® conference and was invested in pursuing Floortime again. It gave her family the most agency in becoming the best parents for their son, and be involved in the whole process–especially since he was at home all school year.
The Intensive
Oana started attending the ICDL parent support meetings as part of the DIR® Parent Network and listened to my podcast episode with parents who attended intensives, looked at ICDL’s website to read up about the intensives, and thought it would be the perfect fit. They finally went to New Jersey for the intensive earlier this year.
Oana says it was an incredible experience. At their intensive, their Floortime coaches were Becky Gottlieb and Katie Shepherd. Like Dr. Stuart Shanker says, when you see a child differently, you see a different child. She saw her son in a different light with Katie and Becky’s coaching.
They supported and guided the reconnection between parent and child, understanding how the parent joins the relationship with the child so the parent becomes more important than a screen, Oana describes. It instills confidence and agency to be the best parent she could be, really boosting her parental self-efficacy.
Oana believes that DIRFloortime® is the only approach that puts the parent in the lead role versus the therapist. Oana is an expert about her child and one who can make the most difference in the child’s life. The biggest revelation she had was how she shows up in the interaction with her child, focusing on the functional emotional developmental capacities (FEDCs), monitoring her own regulation and connecting with her child.
Learning Moments
Oana’s child is a Gestalt Language processor who has words, but is mostly non speaking, functioning in the first 3 stages of Natural Language Acquisition. He is not using an AAC device and has scripts he uses that are self-generated. Similar to being curious about a child’s behaviour in DIRFloortime, Oana points out, they have to be curious about what his scripts mean and the purpose or intent behind them.
Dr. Gil Tippy told her at the intensive that the most important focus is to facilitate the child understanding the impact of himself on others. We’re all individuals with our own emotions, bodies, and thoughts, and we want the child to understand that if you hit someone, they can get hurt.
The coaching is guided and gentle with love, compassion, and understanding. When the big emotions and feelings happen when the child can’t get what he wants–whether it’s an object, an experience, or a person he can’t see–he would start to cry and it would escalate to hurting himself, others, or things in the environment.
These incidents were frequent before the intensives, although they have become less frequent since being at home all school year, but they were still lasting a long time, Oana explains. After the intensives, the power of connection has shortened the length of these meltdowns significantly, she shares.
The Shift
Oana used to think she should give her son his own space to work through his emotions, but Becky and Katie coached her to be aware of her emotions, too, and co-regulate, staying with her child rather than leaving him alone. She learned to approach it with compassion, kindness, and love. She will now say, “I am right here. I love you very much. I’m sorry you feel this way,” keeping language to a minimum and slowing down a lot.
It’s been a big shift for everyone in the family, Oana says. At their local school, they still have quiet rooms where they send dysregulated kids to calm down even though the kids are heightened and so overwhelmed with emotions. Yet, they are left alone, so Oana was doing that, too, but now it’s a complete shift and it’s working.
Sometimes the child does know that they are hurting the parents and don’t mean to or want to, but this is why being with the parent during the emotional reactions is so powerful. I acknowledged how challenging it can be for parents to experience these big feelings and how hard it is to be emotionally available to their kids during this, while managing their own emotions and regulation.
Oana’s son is also recovering and calming down after these instances a lot more quickly after the incidents are done than before. Oana will now say things like, “I know you want it. I know you have great memories of this place, but we can’t go there right now, and it’s ok to not go there right now, because we can do these other things now.“
Oana has started reviewing the events of each day with her son before bed at night and her son will now say, “Yes, Mama,” which he never did before. They also notice cars when they are driving, pointing out a black truck, a white car, etc. and he started pointing out the motorcycles.
A Journey of Self-Discovery
You have to be in your vulnerability and grow with your child emotionally, Oana shares. From an interoceptive point of view, she’s so much more aware now of where she feels things in her body, too, and believes that her son does too.
I stressed how there is no judgment with parents at the intensives and in Floortime coaching. The coaches meet you where you are at and help bridge your connection with your child. Oana is building up the trust in the relationship by having more and more moments of connection throughout the day, giving her child the belief that they will be ok. Instead of reaching the boiling point, they just simmer and calm down, she explains.
It’s a learning journey of self-discovery with a lot of support, Oana says, including attending the Monday parent support meetings. The parent support meetings are so wonderful to connect with other like-minded parents to help with that feeling of isolation we often feel.
It’s a learning journey of self-discovery with a lot of support, Oana says, including attending the Monday parent support meetings. The parent support meetings are so wonderful to connect with other like-minded parents to help with that feeling of isolation we often feel.
Going Forward
Oana took DIR 101: An Introduction to DIR® and DIRFloortime® and audited DIR 201: The DIRFloortime® Basic Certificate Course and encourages parents to take DIR 101 (and DIR® Parent Network members get 25% off) and listen to the podcasts at Affect Autism where you can search topics and categories at the Start Here menu.
It’s important to have a community when you choose DIRFloortime® because it is sadly not the norm.
This episode’s PRACTICE TIP:
Let’s think about how we make assumptions about our child’s need for connection during upset.
For example: When your child is upset, do you walk away? Do you stay but are upregulated and annoyed? Do you yell or snap? Are you able to just “be” with your child and co-regulate?
I am so grateful to Oana for sharing her family’s experience at her Floortime intensive at the DIR® Institute. I hope that you resonated with her experiences and found something valuable. Feel free to share this episode on social media!
Until next time, here’s to choosing play and experiencing joy every day!
Thank you to Toronto recording artist Ayria for the intro/outro song permission.
